When most people think of Thailand, the two things that come to mind first are golf and scuba diving. This is a fabrication of course, because if there’s two things Thailand has long been most famous for it is most certainly the ready availability of hookers and never-ending political unrest.
Now that the pro-Thaksin Team Red has been takin’ it to the streets for a few weeks — dragging the pro-power Royal Thai Army and pro-money Royal Thai Police around by the nose like a pet farang being led to some dusty Isaan village — and with the pro-themselves Team Yellow dogging their steps, another nail has been driven into the coffin of Thailand’s tourism industry.
With the decline in overall visitor numbers, this so-called “crisis” has hit the bars and the bargirls hard. Some of the ladies have called it quits and gone home, but among those who stayed behind, most have slashed their prices.
There’s no reason to bullshit you and suggest it’s the good old days of the Vietnam War era again, and that girls will be shagging you, cooking your meals and doing your laundry for a week and will be happy with a carton of Camel straights for their trouble.
But it’s a fact that many girls are now happy with half of their pre-crisis asking price and quality of service remains unaffected (though you may have to watch the Thai TV news in your room rather than the other sopa operas and fictional programs).
That’s fine on the face of it, but there’s no need to stop there. Why pay at all when a bit of creative thinking and a little sensitivity to the realities of life in Troubled Thailand can have you pulling virtual freebies?
Consider Red Team, spending day after day engaged in long marches alternated with hunkering down in their fortified compound. Among them are many of the same type of up-country farm girls you’d find in Bangkok’s gogo bars, but in this instance all hot and sweaty from their day-long reforming exertions.
Just imagine how well it’s going to play if you round up a passel of these sun-burnt, rustic firebrands and offer them the hospitality of your hotel suite. The enticements of a shower, clean towels, a soft bed (things you are paying for anyway and might as well leverage!) should prove irresistible.
And if you were to hint at a shoulder rub and maybe the use of your washer and dryer, the smart money says they’d be on you in a heartbeat. They can start the revolution without you! (Unless it’s the sexual revolution and this time they’ll be calling you Generalissimo as well as Daddy.)
(Bearing in mind that some of the readership might prefer a less time-consuming approach, other strategies can still be found. Consider that just dropping off even a few bottles of drinking water and a couple of bags of sticky rice and mango or fried insects might get you some discrete oral service in a quiet corner of the bunker.)
When it comes to dealing with the distaff membership of Team Yellow, please keep in mind that these are more urbane types, city folks with a modicum of taste and refinement. And among them you’ll find many fair-skinned beauties as well as some fine looking older women with gym-toned bodies.
But deep down they’re still women, and all the counter-protesting will have them rabid and randy and high as a kite with hormones. All you have to is present yourself smartly (and we mean without a beer gut protruding from a stained singlet as well as using a sensible approach) and the gals will largely take it from there.
Just apply the general PUA techniques of making the girls from Team Yellow feel you’ve got a common viewpoint with them: Brown people are supposed to be slaves, Thaksin is evil and sex is so much better when you might get your leg blown off by an RPG at any moment.
And speaking of appendages and appliances, the Yellow girls can be real wildcats in the sack despite their more sophisticated upbringings. So ask her to bring a few sets of those famous hand-clappers and be ready to experiment when the two of you hit the sheets.
Finally, this space would be remiss if we didn’t remind you to keep a thought for the green and brown teams and all those tasty army and police babes. While standing a watch over the disobedient little people might be morally preferable to servicing her boss to get her next promotion, it’s sure to be physically and mentally exhausting. So she’s going to be that much more suggestible to your offers of some TLC.
The Army and Police have fitness standards, and sensibly hire and promote based on looks like so many organizations here. You can be confident that there’s a body worth protecting under that body armor; she just needs your guidance to make her feel like a real woman again.
So many great opportunities can present themselves, even in the trenches. For example, not many days ago, Team Red sent many Buddhist monks to the front lines in response to a threatened baton charge. The authorities responded by sending female soldiers and cops to the front lines and the monks retreated because it’s not permitted for them to allow a woman to touch them.
Should a replay of this scenario occur, it’s a golden opportunity for the smart G-girler to step in and benefit when the monks step aside. As your target Thai Army girl or policewomen steps forward with her hands raised, it’s time to shove Phra Somchai behind you — elbow him in the face if you must, but preserve his mojo at all costs! Thai culture must be respected!
Then with your new paratrooper paramour in front of you, embrace her tightly and don’t let go. We all know how to cop a feel, but how would it feel to cop a feel from a cop? If she tries to cuff you, it’s just foreplay. Whisper sweetly in her ear to let her know exactly what you’ve got in mind.
This is a win for some many: those who like it a little rough, the uniform fetishists and particularly the exhibitionists because every camera will be on you. Just try getting that kind of ego boost and overall value anywhere on the Reservation with Big Whitey.
In closing we have to remind everyone that you need to be careful in what you do and say as you go mongering. And this is particularly true when passing barricades and checkpoints.
There’s no need to be cock-blocked just because you encounter someone with a badge, firearm or cudgel. Simply breeze by them with a smile (the essential currency of Thailand), a nod and a loud, proud statement: “I’m just here for the sex!”
That will let them know just where they stand — they’ll back down when they understand that you can be every bit as doctrinaire as they — gain you “face”, and admit you to a world of pleasures unknown to the benighted slobs in the farang ghetto.
It has been learned that a reporter/producer from the 3News’s program 60 Minutes in New Zealand has been sniffing around to several of the farang private investigators in Bangkok and Pattaya.
The reporter in question, Sarah Hall (photo below), has been asking for help on doing a story, purportedly in an exposé style, on sex-tourism and prostitution in the Kingdom, on the oh-so-dreadful and coerced life of the average bar-girl, and on the Kiwi guys (oppressors! opportunists!) who patronize the girl scene here.
It is apparently on the agenda of the production team — who are arriving in Thailand at the end of this week — to do secret filming in and around bars, the more salacious the better. Thus gogos and some of the beer bar complexes are obvious targets.
If you’re out for some fun and happen to see them, why not say hello, be a nuisance and make sure they don’t get any useful footage? Otherwise just be on the look-out for one or more guys with New Zealand accents who seem to care a bit too much about a shoulder bag or knapsack of medium to large size.
If you’re a bar owner, make sure you’ve got your “No Video” signs up, and grab their equipment if you can. They apparently do not have work permits or film production licenses to be doing this, so your cop friends can handle them with no problems.
Your security guys and servers should in particular be looking for guys who leave a bag beside them, positioned so it would have a clear line of sight to the main action such as your dance stage.
Punters and publicans, please help give this alert the widest possible distribution. None of us wants to be on camera as we have our fun, or give the sensationalist media any help in attacking our recreational choices or livelihoods, do we?
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In preparing to release this information for general consumption, eight notable local private investigators were contacted and invited to comment. In general, no is talking for the record, not even the bar-girl investigator and commentator with the obvious New Zealand connection.
One who did answer, but asks not to be identified, stated that his organization was profoundly concerned that if any investigator did consent to Hall’s request for an interview, or worse for a “ride-along” on an active investigation, the consequences could be very bad.
One can understand why — once the video is in the can and Hall is in the editing bay, there’s no telling how things might be spun. Nobody wants a repeat of the “Big Trouble in Thailand” fiasco, especially a professional community where a bit of secrecy and anonymity are indispensable.
Another PI was kind enough to give some background on discrete camera work, and feels that having a film crew tag along on a live case would be an unforgivable breach of ethics. He suggests than any local investigator cooperating with an undertaking like that would probably be cutting his own throat in the long haul.
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And for those here for a bit of fun, doing no real harm to anyone, who would simply rather not be in the glare of the international media spotlight, might this not best summarize their thoughts: Sarah, aren’t there more important things for real journalists to be doing with their time?
Sure, your employer wants eye-catching footage so they can grab maximum advertising revenue, but isn’t that what war zones are for? Are there no more orphans at whom you might point your cameras, and towards whom you might direct your urges to help and heal?
During your limo ride to your expense-account hotel suite, perhaps you deigned to notice those people with colorful shirts contesting for their vision of a future for their homeland? Know you anything of rice prices, of landmines, of droughts and drugs, of anything of real concern here in the Kingdom and the region?
Yes, Thai society is rather broken, and yes, that does in a small measure impel girls to the bars. But there’s nothing new in it for you, Sarah, and you’ll be going over some very well-trodden ground far below the norm as per your bio. This is a non-story and you may well end up doing far more harm than good in ways you can’t even anticipate.
Reporter Sarah Hall: