Red vs Yellow = More Pink

When most people think of Thailand, the two things that come to mind first are golf and scuba diving. This is a fabrication of course, because if there’s two things Thailand has long been most famous for it is most certainly the ready availability of hookers and never-ending political unrest.

Now that the pro-Thaksin Team Red has been takin’ it to the streets for a few weeks — dragging the pro-power Royal Thai Army and pro-money Royal Thai Police around by the nose like a pet farang being led to some dusty Isaan village — and with the pro-themselves Team Yellow dogging their steps, another nail has been driven into the coffin of Thailand’s tourism industry.

With the decline in overall visitor numbers, this so-called “crisis” has hit the bars and the bargirls hard. Some of the ladies have called it quits and gone home, but among those who stayed behind, most have slashed their prices.

There’s no reason to bullshit you and suggest it’s the good old days of the Vietnam War era again, and that girls will be shagging you, cooking your meals and doing your laundry for a week and will be happy with a carton of Camel straights for their trouble.

But it’s a fact that many girls are now happy with half of their pre-crisis asking price and quality of service remains unaffected (though you may have to watch the Thai TV news in your room rather than the other sopa operas and fictional programs).

That’s fine on the face of it, but there’s no need to stop there. Why pay at all when a bit of creative thinking and a little sensitivity to the realities of life in Troubled Thailand can have you pulling virtual freebies?

Consider Red Team, spending day after day engaged in long marches alternated with hunkering down in their fortified compound. Among them are many of the same type of up-country farm girls you’d find in Bangkok’s gogo bars, but in this instance all hot and sweaty from their day-long reforming exertions.

Just imagine how well it’s going to play if you round up a passel of these sun-burnt, rustic firebrands and offer them the hospitality of your hotel suite. The enticements of a shower, clean towels, a soft bed (things you are paying for anyway and might as well leverage!) should prove irresistible.

And if you were to hint at a shoulder rub and maybe the use of your washer and dryer, the smart money says they’d be on you in a heartbeat. They can start the revolution without you! (Unless it’s the sexual revolution and this time they’ll be calling you Generalissimo as well as Daddy.)

(Bearing in mind that some of the readership might prefer a less time-consuming approach, other strategies can still be found. Consider that just dropping off even a few bottles of drinking water and a couple of bags of sticky rice and mango or fried insects might get you some discrete oral service in a quiet corner of the bunker.)

When it comes to dealing with the distaff membership of Team Yellow, please keep in mind that these are more urbane types, city folks with a modicum of taste and refinement. And among them you’ll find many fair-skinned beauties as well as some fine looking older women with gym-toned bodies.

But deep down they’re still women, and all the counter-protesting will have them rabid and randy and high as a kite with hormones. All you have to is present yourself smartly (and we mean without a beer gut protruding from a stained singlet as well as using a sensible approach) and the gals will largely take it from there.

Just apply the general PUA techniques of making the girls from Team Yellow feel you’ve got a common viewpoint with them: Brown people are supposed to be slaves, Thaksin is evil and sex is so much better when you might get your leg blown off by an RPG at any moment.

And speaking of appendages and appliances, the Yellow girls can be real wildcats in the sack despite their more sophisticated upbringings. So ask her to bring a few sets of those famous hand-clappers and be ready to experiment when the two of you hit the sheets.

Finally, this space would be remiss if we didn’t remind you to keep a thought for the green and brown teams and all those tasty army and police babes. While standing a watch over the disobedient little people might be morally preferable to servicing her boss to get her next promotion, it’s sure to be physically and mentally exhausting. So she’s going to be that much more suggestible to your offers of some TLC.

The Army and Police have fitness standards, and sensibly hire and promote based on looks like so many organizations here. You can be confident that there’s a body worth protecting under that body armor; she just needs your guidance to make her feel like a real woman again.

So many great opportunities can present themselves, even in the trenches. For example, not many days ago, Team Red sent many Buddhist monks to the front lines in response to a threatened baton charge. The authorities responded by sending female soldiers and cops to the front lines and the monks retreated because it’s not permitted for them to allow a woman to touch them.

Should a replay of this scenario occur, it’s a golden opportunity for the smart G-girler to step in and benefit when the monks step aside. As your target Thai Army girl or policewomen steps forward with her hands raised, it’s time to shove Phra Somchai behind you — elbow him in the face if you must, but preserve his mojo at all costs! Thai culture must be respected!

Then with your new paratrooper paramour in front of you, embrace her tightly and don’t let go. We all know how to cop a feel, but how would it feel to cop a feel from a cop? If she tries to cuff you, it’s just foreplay. Whisper sweetly in her ear to let her know exactly what you’ve got in mind.

This is a win for some many: those who like it a little rough, the uniform fetishists and particularly the exhibitionists because every camera will be on you. Just try getting that kind of ego boost and overall value anywhere on the Reservation with Big Whitey.

In closing we have to remind everyone that you need to be careful in what you do and say as you go mongering. And this is particularly true when passing barricades and checkpoints.

There’s no need to be cock-blocked just because you encounter someone with a badge, firearm or cudgel. Simply breeze by them with a smile (the essential currency of Thailand), a nod and a loud, proud statement: “I’m just here for the sex!”

That will let them know just where they stand — they’ll back down when they understand that you can be every bit as doctrinaire as they — gain you “face”, and admit you to a world of pleasures unknown to the benighted slobs in the farang ghetto.